i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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