my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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