I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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