At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
