I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
