I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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