so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I believe in your delicious
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
