At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
