she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
