I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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