sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
