I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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