I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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