In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize