If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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