i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize