oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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