Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
