I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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