god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
