My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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