I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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