dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
