i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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