How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize