Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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