Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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