yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
