He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
