My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
