I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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