I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
