You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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