Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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