I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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