you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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