We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
