We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
