I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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