Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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