Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize