happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
