Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
