as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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