my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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