Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
