The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize