Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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