Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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