how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
