im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
