You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
