I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
