He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
